I post on this blog almost never, but I reread my old posts often. The version of myself that started this project is nowhere to be found. Since the beginning, I have both grown and regressed. I have answered so many of the questions I asked in prior posts, but most of those answers only came with more questions. I am not the same eager, happy person I was at the beginning of this project. I hope he is still in there somewhere, but try as I might, my words come out much more cynical and negative. I no longer feel the gratefulness I once felt for the time I have left.

I believe much of this is due to extreme burnout. I have been working full time while full time in school since I first started in this industry. Originally, I told myself I was pushing so hard so that I wouldn’t have to work through college. Then, I was pushing so that I wouldn’t have to work after I came back from externship. Then, it was to help reduce the impact of my student loans. Time and time again, I promised myself a break from the work, but I consistently lied to myself. I tried to take a break after graduation, but the trip was not restful or peaceful by any means. It was fun and exciting and emotional, but not restful. I arrived in Oregon and began my job search already burnt out. I found a job that would happily work me to death, and thus far am sticking with it. My back pain has gotten worse since I started the job, so I now must budget for pain management, as well as all the other never ending expenses.

I’ve been having trouble trudging through it. I get up in the morning, take 12 minutes to get dressed, and make my way to work. After I leave work, there’s always something that needs to be taken care of. I get high most nights, and once my back hurts too much to stay upright, I usually wind up in bed around 10. My girlfriend prefers to sleep much later, so she’ll leave the lights on and the tv playing until closer to 12. Sometime after that, I’ll fall asleep, and wake up 5 hours later to do it again. The moments that differentiate the days are few and far between, and they almost always cost money, so there’s an element of guilt to everything I enjoy. I can’t imagine I’ll have the money for the more exciting items on my list anytime within the next 20 years. I know most of what I make will be going to my student loans for at least that long. I want to prioritize this list, but I also desperately want to prioritize top surgery. At this rate, I won’t be able to afford to legally change my name until I’m middle-aged.

Is this really all there is? I’m going to work my life away doing this? I miss Monterey and Big Sur and cooking Farm-to-Table. I miss being passionate about the work that I’m doing. I miss putting out good food that I was proud of. I miss learning and exploring and doing. I think of opening my own restaurant and it seems like the only light at the end of the tunnel, but I remember how much money I would need for that and it seems so far in the distance. The fact about working at Hilton is that most days, a box knife would be just as useful as my chefs knife. I’m tired of prepackaged food that doesn’t taste like anything. I’m tired of assembly work; I miss real cooking. I miss the art of it. I want more then this, but I don’t think I could possibly work any harder for it than I already have.

I want more than this.

Haven’t I earned more than this?