Kicking The Bucket With One Foot

Catching Up

October 11th, 2023

Here’s a little update for everyone:

I am once again employed. I tried to take a break from working and focus on school, but was once again stopped by my relentless need to be making and saving money. Luckily, I am taking a break from the fine dining scene. In fact, my new job does not involve cooking at all. I am working at Napa Valley Coffee Roasters as a barista. Thankfully, having an income means I can once again justify the bigger-ticket items on this list. I have been focusing on the smaller ones recently, and am glad to announce I have checked four more items off the list! I am listing them in order of how cool they are because most of my readers have short attention spans and might not make it to the end.

#1- In August of 2023, I hosted a dinner party. I was testing myself to see if I could plan, cook, and host a formal pre-fix multi-course meal in the traditional French format. I sourced all my ingredients, planned everything, did almost all of the prep in my own kitchen (with the help of a few friends), then transferred everything to the event venue. Most of the dishes were entirely my own creation (you can find pictures on my Instagram), or my own take on dishes I had learned over the summer working at Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur. It was an incredible experience, and while it was mostly a success, it showed me that I still have a lot to learn (including how quickly duck fat catches fire :0 ). I am excited to try again, this time with more help from my friends and more knowledge/experience.

#2- Last weekend, I went to a Jazz performance at The Blue Note in Napa, CA. I was invited by two friends, and we saw Kim Waters and his amazing band perform in such a cool setting. I had never seen a Jazz show before, but since Jazz as a concept is so controversial (“like, okay, you can blow on a trumpet, wrap it up Elton John!” -Elenor Shelstrop) it was something I wanted to experience. I can definitely say that I disagree with the haters. I do recognize that jazz can seem repetitive at times, but I find it to be a fascinating display of skill

#3- I have been learning to write with my left hand since sometime in June. I am definitely not perfect at it yet, mainly because we handwrite things so rarely these days, but even just the act of learning to use the muscles in that hand has been much more valuable than I expected. I was surprised to realize how useful it is when you don’t have to switch everything to your dominate hand. It goes way beyond writing; in class, I have found myself flipping items on the grill with my left hand, or switching hands while stirring. Even just developing the coordination to crack an egg in both hands at the same time has been so useful. I am planning to practice specific motions with my left hand, so I can get even more use out of it. It seems almost strange to me that we aren’t encouraged to learn to use both hands for daily tasks. I am glad to have the time and resources available to learn on my own, and I encourage anyone who can to do so as well.

#4- This one, I cannot yet fully claim success to, but considering I am now working as a barista, I feel confident that I will get it soon. Learning to make latte art is a specific item on my list. Although the coffee shop I am working at does not require, practice, or train their baristas on latte art, I am still hoping to teach myself. I figure, if I will be making drinks all day anyway, I may as well get the fancy pour down.

That’s all for today. It feels good to knock some more things off the list. I only have nine weeks left of this semester at Culinary School. One semester to go after than, and then who knows what’s next. More updates and changes to come.
Home again, home again

September 9th, 2023

And we’re back. Saint Helena CA, where I attend culinary school, is somehow just how I remembered it. I find myself missing the things I hated during externship… the hour long drives into town to do laundry, and the ten minute walk home from work. I miss setting up my station; it feels strange to leave garde menger behind after being responsible for it for so long. Everywhere I go, I see people I worked with over the summer. Obviously, they’re not really there, but I’m not so good with faces. Is that a stranger walking down the street, or Brian coming to ask me a question? Who can say. (Probably most people, I’ve got to start paying better attention 😬).

Now for the elephant in the room: I promised a post about scuba diving. Unfortunately, as I should have predicted, working 75+ hours a week didn’t leave me much time for adventures. Then, I started to get used to two pretty nice paychecks twice a month and, well… I haven’t gone yet. I ended up putting the “fun fund” money from my part-time gig into my savings account. This is not a sign that I’m giving up on the list. I am simply taking a little longer to accomplish it than I thought. And that’s okay with me, really, because I have so much time left to get everything done. One thing I have learned from this adventure so far is that experience isn’t everything. I have spoken (albeit usually online) to many people after they’ve read my blog. Some of them reach out to tell me that they’re also looking forward to doing something on the list. But oftentimes it’s the people who have done All the Things reaching out because they feel the same way I do. Despite their experiences, they still feel lost in big crowds and struggle with simple change. I don’t think accomplishing everything on my list will “fix” me. I am proud of how far I’ve come on my own, and how comfortable I am now being alone. But I’ve realized it doesn’t have to be this way.

While it’s not on my list, the goal I’m working on right now is this: I am making a conscientious effort to join in. I will make plans with people, rather than waiting and hoping they’ll make plans with me. I will fill my time with meaningful experience rather than long solo drives with no destination. I will remember people’s names when they introduce themselves, and I will do my best to remember their faces. I want to be included. I always have, but I also typically avoid the unfamiliar. Since social anxiety was such a problem in my youth, joining a group is still somewhat unfamiliar to me. I struggle with knowing how to initiate friendships and make plans. This summer, I spent a great deal of time with friends from back home. I realized how different (and how much more positive) my high school experience would have been if I had only made an effort to know them better. If anyone who knows me irl is reading this: check out my list. Anything you want to do? Let me know, cause I’m in. I am here in school to learn, and to make mistakes and make improvements, both in my skills in the kitchen and, I’ve decided, in my functionality as a person. I can say with certainty that I am grateful to know almost everyone I’ve met. My favorite pictures are the ones with other people in them, because it means I was there and wanted to remember it.

Living the lifestyle that I do as a trans person, my very existence is considered a political statement. Meeting someone new comes with its own set of risks. I think, though, I have been overly cautious. If I can throw myself 18,000 feet out of an airplane, I can go talk to another student. I can invite someone to dinner. I have spent so many years making excuses as to why I can’t join in. But I’ve decided now that I can. And you can mark my words:

I will.
Skydiving!

June 27th, 2023

Well, I’ve done it. I have officially thrown myself out of a perfectly good airplane. Staying true to the blog, someone had agreed to go with me, but something came up at the last minute, so I ended up going alone. It was awkward at first; as the only person there who wasn’t in a group, the staff didn’t quite know what to do with me. When I got there, I checked in, filled out miles of paperwork, and then, as instructed, went to put my belongings in my car. I hid my wallet, phone, and sweatshirt in the glovebox and front seat. So, when I sat to wait, I had no distractions (such as my phone). I stared at the plane for awhile, and tried not to look too much at the others in line. Finally, I sat down with another group, and we made small talk until it was time to go. This might have been scarier than the skydiving if I’m honest. Out of all the people that were diving with me, only one had ever been before, and he was wearing a tank top and athletic pants. I had expected, when I put my jacket in the car, that they would have some kind of special skydiving jacket (don’t judge this assumption, everyone in the posters is wearing special clothes), but no, they put the harness on me and no one mentioned that it might be a tad cold.

Let me say this in a clearer way for those still having trouble.

I jumped 18,000 feet out of an airplane wearing nothing but a T-shirt and slacks.

It couldn’t possibly have been more cold and uncomfortable. For the entire duration of the freefall, all I could think about was how much I wished I had worn a coat. I forgot to enjoy the whole freefalling-out-of-an-airplane part. The instructor encouraged me to stick my arms out like a bird, but all I wanted to do was curl up to stay warmer. Of all the moments to be in-the-moment, you would think this one would take the cake. But no. Once the parachute opened, the excessive wind calmed down and I realized I hadn’t frozen to death, it was really fun. I got to fly the parachute, and saw California from above, which is unbelievable to say the least. I had to stop myself from booking another skydiving experience for the next week; not because it was oh-so-amazing, but because I feel cheated. One day I will skydive again, wearing 16 coats and 12 pairs of sweatpants. Until that day, I am still glad I did it, and glad to have checked something off the list.

Next up is scuba diving. The paycheck is here, but I haven’t had time to book the experience. Interestingly, I got a second job so that I could have adventures, but now I don’t have time for the adventures. Oh well. Fewer than six weeks left of work. There was lots I wanted to do while I was here in Monterey, but, in six weeks, that only leaves me six days off to do those things. I guess I always look back and wish I had spent my time better.
Rushing through things.

May 29th, 2023

Well, my first paycheck from the bakery came in… 1.5 weeks sooner than I expected it. Since it was so early, it was also significantly less than I need to complete my skydiving goal. Which means it will be a few more weeks before I get to launch myself out of an airplane.

I’ve been thinking a lot about long term goals. I’ve prided myself for the past year or so on not thinking too far into my future. When I was younger, I was constantly anxious about the future. And the present. And the past. But I’ve been working to come to terms with my utter lack of control of the world. And frankly, I think I’ve done enough worrying for a while. And while it’s strange to not know what my next step is, it’s wonderful to be able to find peace in the present. But lately I’ve been thinking about my next step after I graduate. I’m 1/3 of the way through my apprenticeship already, and my college graduation in April of 2024 feels closer than ever. I’ve been working my ass of since I was 14, and I’ve come to realize that I could actually own a house in the foreseeable future. Probably not in California, where they’ll likely soon be bottling and selling fresh air, but I could move back to Washington, or go somewhere totally new.

It’s hard to determine what direction I’d like to go in next. Should I hide away in school for a few more years? Grow up a little so coworkers might respect me more? Or can I just get on with living the life I’m finally able to have? Do I need to find another rent-free place to live? Is 20 years old too young to start a life? I have so many questions about my next step, but, refreshingly, I’m not anxious about it. I’m genuinely excited to see what’s next. For now, I’ll focus on the short-term goals on my bucket list, and, in the meantime, I’ve also started keeping a list of long-term goals. I’m keeping that list small, though, and I won’t be sharing it here. Those goals are impermanent, and I need to keep them to myself to secure the ability to change them.

With so many questions about, well, everything, I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m working on the few items on my list that I can accomplish for free. I am learning to write with my left hand. I bought a strawberry plant. I am most of the way through a book for the first time in quite awhile. I am testing my ability to drive to specific places without GPS (which usually just leads to finding new places). I don’t want to waste my time here focused on the future and the TV. On my days off, I’ve been going to beaches and reading, climbing trees I find in state parks, and going to farmers markets. As usual, I spend hours in whatever coffee shop I can find. I also cook for myself at every opportunity. In some ways, life is much simpler than I ever expected it to be.
Kicking the Bucket with One Foot

May 16th, 2023

My name is James Jones. I have been waiting my whole life for the companionship you see in the movies. Social skills have never been my strength, and while I’ve had friends along the way, I’ve never had the kind of relationship about which sappy love songs and holidays are made. In today’s society, people are growing farther and farther apart, and it is getting easier to go through life alone. But still, society pushes the idea that you can’t do things on your own. Eating alone at a restaurant is “sad”, and going to see a movie by yourself is “strange”. Well, I’m tired of waiting.

Many years ago, I struggled with mental health issues. I survived severe depression and self harm. I am genuinely lucky to still be here today, and I plan on taking advantage of the extra time I was blessed with. I have been mentally stable for a long time (bye bye, antidepressants), and plan on living a very long life. But there are so many things I almost missed out on. I am going to do them all, and I will track my progress here. I am done waiting for someone to push me forward. I will go skydiving, hang gliding, perform a stand-up comedy routine. I will go diving in the ocean, submit a poem to a poetry contest, and ride on a hot air balloon. My bucket list goes on for miles. I recently started a second job, and the income from it will go directly to items on my list.

Years of near-debilitating social anxiety have kept me from many of the life experiences I should have had by now. I am 19 years old, and I’ve never gotten drunk, spent the night with someone, or broke curfew. I live on my own now, and work full time as a garde manger chef at a hotel in sunny California. My part-time job is at a bakery. While a central theme in my quest is that I’m doing this alone, I expect to meet people on the way. I will push myself to the limits of my comfort zone, and gain experience with the things I’ve been so scared of for so long. I am done living in fear of other people, and I’m done waiting around for someone to love me. Depression and suicide run in my family. I have no idea if I am truly past it, or if one day it will ail me again. So for now, I am so incredibly grateful to still be alive. I owe it to myself to live each moment as my last.

Catching Up

Home again, home again

Skydiving!

Rushing through things.

Kicking the Bucket with One Foot