Hello again Blogisphere,
Once again, it’s been a while.
I’m not sure how to start. A lot has changed since my last entry, some of which I truly don’t know how to write about. So I’ve decided I won’t. Suffice to say this: I lost two of my best friends, the people I considered family. One of them came back, but the other remains at a distance. Above everything, this change forced me to confront my codependency, which was running rampant unchecked. I was made to confront my own reactions and feelings, and base them in rationality. It was hard. I needed help. I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2. I’ve been taking antipsychotics for just over a month now, and have found them to be making a huge difference in my mind. I struggled to come to terms with that, as well, but now I am grateful to have more answers.
That wasn’t the only thing that changed. I moved apartments just as things were blowing up with my friends. I moved from NW Portland to SE Portland, which is a very different area. I moved to an apartment that is half the size. I doubled my commute, so I started taking the buses. Turns out it’s not that hard. I decorated; having never decorated my old apartment after my ex moved out, this was a big deal. It’s my space. It feels like home, cozy rather than cramped. For the first time in my life, I have complete control over my home. I have a balcony and a washer/dryer in the unit. Boots likes it too!
I started seeing a therapist in addition to the psychiatrist. I made a conscious effort to get closer to my other friends, and was successful. I feel like, despite the loss, I have a much bigger support network than I did previously.
I picked up an old hobby, stained glass making. I bought all the materials right before I moved, and made my first few pieces a few days after moving in. I’ve also been writing a lot; I’m publishing my first book, “Growing Feathers”, any day now. I spend a lot more time on my own these days, so it’s nice to have a hobby again. I briefly started reading again, but find myself in a lull at the moment.
The only thing I have left to change is work. I have an interview at a fine dining, sustainable, farm-to-table restaurant in a few days. To be honest, I desperately want this job. I am grateful to Hilton for everything they’ve given me, but it is so far past time for me to leave.
I also checked a big item off my bucket list: be in a movie. Technically, I said “be an extra” in a movie, but I was one of the main characters, which I think definitely satisfies the ambition. My friend Sam was filming an elaborate student film and asked me to be an actor. I had such a good time and am so excited to see the results of “Daughters of the Wind”.
All of these changes are hitting me at once. As a lover of routine, it’s been a hard couple months. I’m grateful to be doing Sober September with two of my close friends, and am trying to practice taking care of myself, my cat, and my home to the best of my ability. Overall, I feel like all of these changes happened for the best, or at least there was something I was supposed to learn from them. If I get the job, I will be living my ideal life, aside from financial troubles. I’m excited to see what life looks like a few months from now. I’m cautiously optimistic.
Kicking The Bucket With One Foot 