Tag: fear

Skydiving!

June 27th, 2023

Well, I’ve done it. I have officially thrown myself out of a perfectly good airplane. Staying true to the blog, someone had agreed to go with me, but something came up at the last minute, so I ended up going alone. It was awkward at first; as the only person there who wasn’t in a group, the staff didn’t quite know what to do with me. When I got there, I checked in, filled out miles of paperwork, and then, as instructed, went to put my belongings in my car. I hid my wallet, phone, and sweatshirt in the glovebox and front seat. So, when I sat to wait, I had no distractions (such as my phone). I stared at the plane for awhile, and tried not to look too much at the others in line. Finally, I sat down with another group, and we made small talk until it was time to go. This might have been scarier than the skydiving if I’m honest. Out of all the people that were diving with me, only one had ever been before, and he was wearing a tank top and athletic pants. I had expected, when I put my jacket in the car, that they would have some kind of special skydiving jacket (don’t judge this assumption, everyone in the posters is wearing special clothes), but no, they put the harness on me and no one mentioned that it might be a tad cold.

Let me say this in a clearer way for those still having trouble.

I jumped 18,000 feet out of an airplane wearing nothing but a T-shirt and slacks.

It couldn’t possibly have been more cold and uncomfortable. For the entire duration of the freefall, all I could think about was how much I wished I had worn a coat. I forgot to enjoy the whole freefalling-out-of-an-airplane part. The instructor encouraged me to stick my arms out like a bird, but all I wanted to do was curl up to stay warmer. Of all the moments to be in-the-moment, you would think this one would take the cake. But no. Once the parachute opened, the excessive wind calmed down and I realized I hadn’t frozen to death, it was really fun. I got to fly the parachute, and saw California from above, which is unbelievable to say the least. I had to stop myself from booking another skydiving experience for the next week; not because it was oh-so-amazing, but because I feel cheated. One day I will skydive again, wearing 16 coats and 12 pairs of sweatpants. Until that day, I am still glad I did it, and glad to have checked something off the list.

Next up is scuba diving. The paycheck is here, but I haven’t had time to book the experience. Interestingly, I got a second job so that I could have adventures, but now I don’t have time for the adventures. Oh well. Fewer than six weeks left of work. There was lots I wanted to do while I was here in Monterey, but, in six weeks, that only leaves me six days off to do those things. I guess I always look back and wish I had spent my time better.
Rushing through things.

May 29th, 2023

Well, my first paycheck from the bakery came in… 1.5 weeks sooner than I expected it. Since it was so early, it was also significantly less than I need to complete my skydiving goal. Which means it will be a few more weeks before I get to launch myself out of an airplane.

I’ve been thinking a lot about long term goals. I’ve prided myself for the past year or so on not thinking too far into my future. When I was younger, I was constantly anxious about the future. And the present. And the past. But I’ve been working to come to terms with my utter lack of control of the world. And frankly, I think I’ve done enough worrying for a while. And while it’s strange to not know what my next step is, it’s wonderful to be able to find peace in the present. But lately I’ve been thinking about my next step after I graduate. I’m 1/3 of the way through my apprenticeship already, and my college graduation in April of 2024 feels closer than ever. I’ve been working my ass of since I was 14, and I’ve come to realize that I could actually own a house in the foreseeable future. Probably not in California, where they’ll likely soon be bottling and selling fresh air, but I could move back to Washington, or go somewhere totally new.

It’s hard to determine what direction I’d like to go in next. Should I hide away in school for a few more years? Grow up a little so coworkers might respect me more? Or can I just get on with living the life I’m finally able to have? Do I need to find another rent-free place to live? Is 20 years old too young to start a life? I have so many questions about my next step, but, refreshingly, I’m not anxious about it. I’m genuinely excited to see what’s next. For now, I’ll focus on the short-term goals on my bucket list, and, in the meantime, I’ve also started keeping a list of long-term goals. I’m keeping that list small, though, and I won’t be sharing it here. Those goals are impermanent, and I need to keep them to myself to secure the ability to change them.

With so many questions about, well, everything, I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m working on the few items on my list that I can accomplish for free. I am learning to write with my left hand. I bought a strawberry plant. I am most of the way through a book for the first time in quite awhile. I am testing my ability to drive to specific places without GPS (which usually just leads to finding new places). I don’t want to waste my time here focused on the future and the TV. On my days off, I’ve been going to beaches and reading, climbing trees I find in state parks, and going to farmers markets. As usual, I spend hours in whatever coffee shop I can find. I also cook for myself at every opportunity. In some ways, life is much simpler than I ever expected it to be.
Kicking the Bucket with One Foot

May 16th, 2023

My name is James Jones. I have been waiting my whole life for the companionship you see in the movies. Social skills have never been my strength, and while I’ve had friends along the way, I’ve never had the kind of relationship about which sappy love songs and holidays are made. In today’s society, people are growing farther and farther apart, and it is getting easier to go through life alone. But still, society pushes the idea that you can’t do things on your own. Eating alone at a restaurant is “sad”, and going to see a movie by yourself is “strange”. Well, I’m tired of waiting.

Many years ago, I struggled with mental health issues. I survived severe depression and self harm. I am genuinely lucky to still be here today, and I plan on taking advantage of the extra time I was blessed with. I have been mentally stable for a long time (bye bye, antidepressants), and plan on living a very long life. But there are so many things I almost missed out on. I am going to do them all, and I will track my progress here. I am done waiting for someone to push me forward. I will go skydiving, hang gliding, perform a stand-up comedy routine. I will go diving in the ocean, submit a poem to a poetry contest, and ride on a hot air balloon. My bucket list goes on for miles. I recently started a second job, and the income from it will go directly to items on my list.

Years of near-debilitating social anxiety have kept me from many of the life experiences I should have had by now. I am 19 years old, and I’ve never gotten drunk, spent the night with someone, or broke curfew. I live on my own now, and work full time as a garde manger chef at a hotel in sunny California. My part-time job is at a bakery. While a central theme in my quest is that I’m doing this alone, I expect to meet people on the way. I will push myself to the limits of my comfort zone, and gain experience with the things I’ve been so scared of for so long. I am done living in fear of other people, and I’m done waiting around for someone to love me. Depression and suicide run in my family. I have no idea if I am truly past it, or if one day it will ail me again. So for now, I am so incredibly grateful to still be alive. I owe it to myself to live each moment as my last.

Tag: fear

Skydiving!

Rushing through things.

Kicking the Bucket with One Foot