And we’re back. Saint Helena CA, where I attend culinary school, is somehow just how I remembered it. I find myself missing the things I hated during externship… the hour long drives into town to do laundry, and the ten minute walk home from work. I miss setting up my station; it feels strange to leave garde menger behind after being responsible for it for so long. Everywhere I go, I see people I worked with over the summer. Obviously, they’re not really there, but I’m not so good with faces. Is that a stranger walking down the street, or Brian coming to ask me a question? Who can say. (Probably most people, I’ve got to start paying better attention 😬).

Now for the elephant in the room: I promised a post about scuba diving. Unfortunately, as I should have predicted, working 75+ hours a week didn’t leave me much time for adventures. Then, I started to get used to two pretty nice paychecks twice a month and, well… I haven’t gone yet. I ended up putting the “fun fund” money from my part-time gig into my savings account. This is not a sign that I’m giving up on the list. I am simply taking a little longer to accomplish it than I thought. And that’s okay with me, really, because I have so much time left to get everything done. One thing I have learned from this adventure so far is that experience isn’t everything. I have spoken (albeit usually online) to many people after they’ve read my blog. Some of them reach out to tell me that they’re also looking forward to doing something on the list. But oftentimes it’s the people who have done All the Things reaching out because they feel the same way I do. Despite their experiences, they still feel lost in big crowds and struggle with simple change. I don’t think accomplishing everything on my list will “fix” me. I am proud of how far I’ve come on my own, and how comfortable I am now being alone. But I’ve realized it doesn’t have to be this way.

While it’s not on my list, the goal I’m working on right now is this: I am making a conscientious effort to join in. I will make plans with people, rather than waiting and hoping they’ll make plans with me. I will fill my time with meaningful experience rather than long solo drives with no destination. I will remember people’s names when they introduce themselves, and I will do my best to remember their faces. I want to be included. I always have, but I also typically avoid the unfamiliar. Since social anxiety was such a problem in my youth, joining a group is still somewhat unfamiliar to me. I struggle with knowing how to initiate friendships and make plans. This summer, I spent a great deal of time with friends from back home. I realized how different (and how much more positive) my high school experience would have been if I had only made an effort to know them better. If anyone who knows me irl is reading this: check out my list. Anything you want to do? Let me know, cause I’m in. I am here in school to learn, and to make mistakes and make improvements, both in my skills in the kitchen and, I’ve decided, in my functionality as a person. I can say with certainty that I am grateful to know almost everyone I’ve met. My favorite pictures are the ones with other people in them, because it means I was there and wanted to remember it.

Living the lifestyle that I do as a trans person, my very existence is considered a political statement. Meeting someone new comes with its own set of risks. I think, though, I have been overly cautious. If I can throw myself 18,000 feet out of an airplane, I can go talk to another student. I can invite someone to dinner. I have spent so many years making excuses as to why I can’t join in. But I’ve decided now that I can. And you can mark my words:

I will.